Monday, November 30, 2015

Ask me if I'm happy

This is the title of an Italian movie I really liked (and I think it sounds better in Italian than in English, but ah well).

So what's new. Not much. The teaching term is over, now one week of apparent calm and then exams will storm the buildings like every year. It will be over too eventually.
Mike is back to his normal self. No real conversation since, he is still doing things for the move, looking for a job, making arrangements for early January to go over etc. Our talking is back to trivial and day to day stuff. We did the shopping for Christmas on line for the children and he did most of the research which was good.

Yesterday we went out for lunch. For the first time in years I'd say we had a baby sitter and we went with friends into town for a catch up and a bite to eat. It was nice, we get on very well with them and yet it felt to me I was acting all the time. Acting to be happy in my relationship, acting to be interested in the upcoming wedding of two of our friends, acting to cheer the news of the third pregnancy of another common friend. They all looked so so happy...
When we came home we put up the Christmas tree (never one of my favourite things to do really) and I was looking at Mike and the children fluffing up the branches (we have a very expensive, very real looking fake tree) and putting up the decoration and I was feeling so much sadness... I'm sure it's also hormonal but still. I so wish I could share that happiness that lightness of the heart...while I just wished I was somewhere else. And this is so so heavy on me, I feel totally responsible for the lack of enthusiasm, for again feeling very much alone (I worry a lot about the move and just keep it to myself, Mike never asks), completely preoccupied with things other than the family and it's not right. I started thinking it will be the last Christmas in this house for sure, got a bit emotional. When I told Mike he said "let's make it a good one" and he is right, I just don't know where to find the magic dust...

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

The talk

I brought the children to Italy the last weekend of October and I flew back late on monday while they stayed with my parents till the following thursday. I had a super time, talked a lot with my sister and my best friend and things became even clearer.

I was not set on having a "talk" as such but it somehow happened and there was the right occasion. It started with Mike coming to pick me up at the airport. This would not be too unusual but the fact that he parked the car and actually came inside the terminal definitely was. I thanked him and commented that it was unusual and he said "really?". Yes, really.

We drove into work together and I started asking some questions about his work and the move to the UK and he was yet again completely disengaged on all fronts. So I thought I could not let the opportunity go by and really opened up my soul about how I felt and how little supported I have been feeling all along. He was very quiet. We (I) talked about feelings and emotions, and how I don't feel loved at all, I reported several examples throughout the years and he could only agree that this and that was really not a nice thing to say/do. We talked some more in the evening, I made clear that I don't want to break up the family but I feel very much trapped in a situation where I am alone in most of the important decisions, that I am the one pulling us everywhere, that I don't see him having much of an aspiration for himself in just about anything that goes on. I asked him what does he want for himself and he didn't know. He was clearly shaken and I felt this huge relief of finally having told him. The main points were the lack of sharing thoughts and feelings, the really just having sex was what made us different from the rest of the people we know, and our very different understanding of loving. I don't feel at all we are partners.

A couple of days went by with little conversation of any relevance, the children came back, my parents were here for a few days so not much happening.

Then he emailed me one day last week saying he was barely keeping it together and could we talk some more. So we did of course, I'm never the one that doesn't want to talk. Again it felt like I was the only one talking but I suppose he just wanted to understand more how I felt. In the end it was clear that he missed more the fact that I was no longer affectionate and I explained that I have no problem being affectionate, but not sexual because I can hardly have sex with someone I feel doesn't get me much at all. He accepted that I think. He asked me what I would have done if we had no children, would I have left him? I pointed out I clearly have a very poor track record in the way I choose partners, but that probably I still would have tried to talk to him and get him to at least understand how I feel. I don't know if I can bring back any feelings other than deep family love (but not like a brother, he asked that, no it's much more than that).

Since then he suddenly found a new enthusiasm about the move (he is looking for schools for the children, jobs etc) and went back running. I'm glad for him, I hope he is not doing it just for me.